Classic Scottish Highland Donald JokesA selection of classic donald jokes

I've collated some of my favourite Donald Jokes together for you to enjoy. These jokes are not all my creation, so if I have not credited them and you own the joke, let me know who I’ve stolen it from…so I can rub it in further.


Ian Cleaver, Head Gardener


Donald’s prize bulls

Donald was away at the Oban Cattle Sales for the day, when his neighbour, McLaren arrived in the yard and parked up his old Land Rover beside Donaldina, Donald’s oldest daughter. 

“Is your Faither in?” he asks. 

Donaldina, who was mucking out the byre, replied, “Nawe! He’s away at the Sales, but if it’s the Ayrshire Bull service you want then it’s £50!” 

“Nawe, it’s not that”, barks McLaren. 

“Well! The Belted Galloway Bull is £40, and the Highland Bull, it’s only £30!!” 

“That’s not whit I am here fur”, roars McLaren. “Your Brother Sandy, has put our wee Fiona in the ‘family way’, and we want to know what Donald is going to do about it!” 

“Ochone ochone”, says Fiona, “you’ll have to speak to him yourself – I don’t know what he charges for Sandy!!”…


Big Maggie and the Pig

In the small Highland town of Drumcrian, over a wee dram, the farmers and crofters of the community had gathered together to discuss some important issues concerning future developments in hill farming! 

About midway through the meeting, Big Maggie stood up and spoke passionately and at length. 

Before Maggie could finish her rant, one of the older farmers got up and said, “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask Big Maggie if she knows how many toes are on a pig!!”

Quick as a flash Big Maggie rounded on him and replied, “Take off your boots and count them”.

And that was how she met Donald!!


Donald’s letter to Mull

Donald was writing to his cousin on Mull, wishing him a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year … 

“Dear Willie-John” Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all on Mull! 

“I must warn you about a scam which is going on at Drumcrian and Drumlochy. Don’t be so naive as to think this cannot happen to you. This is how the scam works … When you park the Land Rover at the Farmers’ Co-Operative and start loading your tools and fertilizer, a couple of very flash young girls ask to help you load up. You are so impressed that you offer them a tip – which they refuse – but say that you could drop them off at the next Co-Operative store. They jump in and before you know what is happening, one has hopped into the front seat topless and the other has removed your wallet!! 

I’ve had my wallet stolen on November the 15th, 17th, 20th and 24th and December 4th twice, and three times only yesterday! Tell everyone on Mull to be careful! 

PS Drumcrian Farmers’ Co-Operative have wallets on sale for £1 each!”


Donald’s in control

Donald, Archie and Wee Malkie are having their Friday afternoon and evening pint when they fall into a long discussion about the control they have over their wives … 

After some time, Wee Malkie turns to Donald and says, “Well Donald, how much control do you have over Big Maggie?” “I’ll tell you,” says Donald, “Just the other night she came crawling to me on her hands and knees …” Archie and Wee Malkie were aghast and astounded! Their eyes wide in admiration they asked Donald, “What on earth happened then?” To which Donald replied, “She shouted to me 

“Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!!!”


Donald and the Beautiful Lady

Donald was sitting at the bar in Drumcrian Hotel when a beautiful lady sat down at the next table. Donald looked at her approvingly and said “This is a special day and I’m celebrating” 

“What a coincidence” said the beautiful lady, “I’m celebrating too” she replied, clinking glasses with Donald. “What are you celebrating?” “Och” said Donald “I’m a farmer and for years all my hens have been laying infertile eggs, but today they are finally fertile and the problem is solved”. 

“What a coincidence” the woman said “For my husband and I have been trying to have children for many years and finally today my gynaecologist told me I am pregnant with twins. How did your chickens become fertile” she asked. “Ochone, Ochone, I changed the Cockerel” said Donald. 

“What a coincidence...” said the beautiful lady!!!


Donald & Dr. McPhail

When Donald was 85 he went for a checkup. Doctor McPhail asked how he felt “och never better, in fact I just married big Maggie who is a beautiful 28 year old and she is already in the family way, Ochone!! What do you think of that doctor?”

Doctor McPhail replied “A gentleman of your age I once knew, liked shooting and one day was walking along the road when a fox ran out in front of him. He couldn’t resist taking aim with his walking stick. Suddenly two shots rang out and the fox dropped dead. “What do you think of that then?” Smirked McPhail

“Ochone! Ochone! there must have been another gun about” said Donald

“My thoughts exactly”replied Doctor McPhail


Donald and the Arab Sheik

Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Glasgow for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed a supply of his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out for help.

Finally the NHS located one Donald from Drumcrea who had a similar blood type. Donald willingly donated his blood for the Sheik.

After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Donald, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and £10,000 in cash.

A few days later, once again, the Sheik had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Donald who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Sheik sent Donald a thank-you card and a quarter bottle of cheap whisky.

Donald was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Sheik and asked him, ‘I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a quarter bottle of whisky.’

To this the Sheik replied, “Ochone, Ochone, laddie, but I now have West Highland blood runnin’ through ma veins!!!”